By: Haja Hawa Koroma
In this day and age of dating, someone seems like a herculean task because you constantly have to walk on eggshells. People nowadays force you to conceal your authentic self just so you can paint a picture you know they want to see. Modern dating has become so complicated as it can be everything and nothing all at the same time. It’s a revolving door of people with expectations and so much more.
Being your true self in modern dating now feels like a norm because a lot of people get scared of getting hurt or dumped for being their true self, instead, they just pretend cause that seems easier. In modern dating so many people take advantage of people that care too much as they see them as needy and desperate, you are not allowed to care too much, love too fast and too hard etc.
Nowadays a lot of people feel like they constantly have to walk on eggshells to not scare their potential partner away by looking desperate. But the thing is, some people are very affectionate and when they love someone they want to shower that affection towards them, but they end up getting hurt because of that as if it now seems like a bad thing. This generation of dating is so confusing and stressful than it’s supposed to be.
We are a generation who frame hypothetically perfect scenarios in our head and mind, weave relations based upon the material on hand and later on decide again on some hypothetical scenarios that the stitching doesn’t fit us, we are a bunch of confused people. And a lot of people live by the “Awws” and “God When” which puts them under constant pressure and stress in finding what other people have.
We are the generation where dating now seems to come with a photographer, we take snapshots of extremely private settings and post them online giving the vibe of what a perfect relationship should look like, and constantly makeup lies about how perfect our relationships are just to oppress viewers even though what we are posting is far different from what is going on in our relationships.
And if later on that partner partakes without us towards a journey he/she longs for, for now, we take off those photos from our gallery and social media with the tryst of “moving on” and repeating the same cycle over and over again until it now looks like a circus cause the viewers you are trying to impress won’t be impressed anymore cause they know it’s now a circus show.
After the emotional shitstorm that comes with a break-up, you don’t spend the whole time sobbing dramatically into a tub of ice cream like the novels read out loud. You just feel numb, you don’t process the situation, you don’t take time to heal and you just jump right back into another relationship saying “we move”. Everything’s just a bit of that “I don’t care vibe” when deep down you are still hurt and you are using someone else to extinguish that pain you are feeling. We are a generation who tend to get in another relation to “move on” and find our word of happiness again. And that relationship might not work because you are just using the person to make you feel better therefore you won’t put your all into that relationship. And when it fails you continue with the same pattern and you expect a different result, the possibility of you finding a healthy relationship in that circumstance is slim. We repeat the same mistakes, and again with no regrets. Cos’ we have the perception that we only have one life to live and who has time to even think about the regrets?
Modern dating is so scary because one day you have a VIP pass to someone’s life and the next, you’re shut out completely. Seeing someone who didn’t make you a priority today holding the hand of someone else or going on a planned movie date with them, and then screenshotting photos of that new flame and doing all the things you were pestering them to do with you and they weren’t. Such situations will lead you to ask yourself or your friends what that person has that you don’t and convince them that you have moved on, but that photo burns into the back of your eyelids at 4 am and it leads to insomnia. It is the kind of heartbreak that doesn’t seem to go away, it is the kind of heartbreak that stains you and you should not avoid dealing with it. You should deal with it and give yourself a chance to properly move on
With the popularity of smartphones, more people rely on texting instead of calling to communicate or have discussions with their partners. And some partners constantly put pressure on their loved ones to text them 24hrs a day and if they don’t, they see it as a sign that they don’t love and care for them. A lot of us are guilty of this but thank God for maturity though. This is not a bad thing if your partner willingly does it or enjoys doing it, but you should not put pressure on them to do it cause at the end of the day even if they do it, they do so not out of love but because they feel obligated to do so.
The availability of sex in the modern dating world has been one of the biggest game-changer of all. Women no longer need to be married to leave their parent’s place. They can get educated and be more independent. Men and women can more easily find affection and sex without the (usual) marital commitment of the past.
Technological advancement has changed where we meet people as well. Most men and women in the past grew up within a block or two of their spouses. They lived very close to one another and likely shared the same status and religion so this made dating easier because they share similar values.
Nowadays people from different countries all over the world are meeting each other and starting relationships; some over the internet and this involves different beliefs and values, and cultures, and merging different beliefs and values is a very difficult task.
In the past ten years, the way people date has changed drastically, with the rise of online dating websites and mobile applications, finding someone to date seems to be at the push of a button.
But, is it that simple? They say that there is someone out there for everyone but people’s intentions are different to what they used to be, or at least, they’re more honest about them now. Not everyone is looking for true love, and with the growth of apps such as Tinder, no-strings-attached intentions are becoming more and more commonplace. This can lead to a lack of trust in the dating world, as it is easy to believe that most people are ‘only out for one thing’, and it’s not true love.
Meanwhile, those who are looking for true love are probably looking in the wrong places. Dating websites and apps make it very easy to judge a book by its cover and only talk to visually appealing people, but looks isn’t everything! Hyperbole aside, for true love that is real, deep affection for a person comes from the experiences gained with that person, the deep bonds that come from opening up, about everything, the past, your emotions etc. It’s making yourself vulnerable that opens the door to a truly meaningful connection, and that is only possible if you get to know a person before giving them a chance and online dating gives someone a chance to sit and fabricate anything he or she wants to be.
One of the most frustrating things about modern dating is that most of the time it’s all mind games. We have made things way more complicated than they should be, playing with each other’s feelings and thinking it is “fun”.
Everything is calculated to appear effortless. Even the simplest text is overthought 10 times. One day you make plans with someone and the next day they have disappeared. You go on a couple of dates where you both seem to have an amazing time and suddenly they tell you that it just won’t work between the two of you, leaving you confused and overthinking what prompted that decision.
Playing hard to get, sending mixed signals, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting are tactics often used in the initial phase of modern dating.
The expectations we place on people are so unfair as we do not often meet those expectations if it were the other way round. Pornography has disrupted modern dating because so many young people that are addicted to pornography now expect their sex life to be as intense as what they watch and also expect that their partners should have such perfect figures as the people they watch. What they fail to realize is that those videos are scripted, edited and so on, not everything they show is real, they just portray perfection because they know that’s what everyone wants to see and that’s how they make money.
So make sure the people you choose to get romantically involved with, share your values and have a similar mindset regarding love and relationships. And remember, as much as things might suck in the modern dating scene, there’s always someone out there who’s a good fit for you. You just gotta be positive and patient until you find them.
You will pay dearly for someone else’s childhood trauma. If there is unresolved childhood trauma or trauma from a failed and abusive relationship because you will have to deal with all that if the person you are dating is not properly healed. The best thing to do if you find yourself in such situations is to establish your boundaries and protect yourself or perhaps move on if the situation worsens.
Finally, I want to remind you that romance is possible. Love is possible. If you’re in dating hell right now, I feel for you and I pray things to change for the better soon. But I know love is out there for you, it might be with someone different from your current partner, so don’t give up if it’s something you truly want for your life. Of course, it helps not to focus on it too intently as it may consume and deprive you of the chance at happiness while you wait. I want you to know that it will happen if it’s something you honestly value and desire.
And if it’s not something you need in your life, all power to you! And that doesn’t mean you are on the wrong track, just don’t use people and hurt them while you are it, make it known to the people you want to date and let them have the chance to decide for themselves whether they will want you regardless, or perhaps to move on to someone they share the same values with. Everyone has to figure out their way. It will take time, but you will get there wherever it is you hope to end up.
