By: Haja Hawa Koroma
Unlearning childhood traumas can be difficult. It takes a lot of effort to acknowledge that some parts of your inner child need healing and sometimes without proper healing, we tend to pass on these traumas to our children and the situation becomes an endless cycle of generational trauma.
Our parents comparing us to other children is a common anthem that most people hear whilst growing up. Unfortunately, even in adulthood, some people are still subject to such misery.
Parents often think they mean well when they do this and they often convince themselves that by so doing they are motivating us to do better. Some people tend to shrug it off and act nonchalant whilst in reality they are deeply hurting inside.
The more we hear some of these constant comparisons coming from our parents, the more it most times affects us, affects our self-esteem and our sense of reasoning.
This has become so normalized that it sometimes becomes a part of us and we end up constantly comparing ourselves with others even in adulthood, forgetting that everyone has a different race and time limit.
And when we eventually have children of our own we oftentimes end up doing the same to them because we think it is normal. Your child’s life should not be compared to anyone’s, not even your childhood.
Remember what you loved doing as a child? Is that the same thing you are doing now? If yes, then you are fortunate. Living in the shadows of your parent’s dreams is never easy. The pressure that it puts on you to please them. Don’t make the same mistake by putting your children through the same situation.
Understand that your children are going to have a life of their own, and as much as you want what’s best for them you must also encourage them to do what they think is best for them in a healthy way.
Allow them to explore their interests, it is your job as a parent to give them the best possible education for anything that they might want to pursue in life as life can be depressing sometimes so don’t place an unnecessary burden on them further by letting them live in the shadows of your dreams.
If your child wants to be in the film industry and you know he/she is talented give them the necessary education needed and encourage them to give it a try. Who knows, they might achieve great success in that career one day.
As a parent your child’s happiness should be of paramount concern to you, so let them be their person and explore their potential.
As we all know, raising a child could be a herculean task. As they get older the more rebellious they become and digitalized world we are now living in creates wide exposure for them. If you don’t create a safe space for your children to discuss their issues and concerns with you freely, they may turn to the internet for answers and we all know that the internet most times do not give the adequate answers or advice that our children need.
No matter how grave the issue is, your child should always feel safe to talk to you about them, you should be their anchor, not their judge and jury. You should be their lighthouse in the middle of a stormy sea.
Making your child feel safe does not mean you are spoiling them, your child respecting you is better than them being afraid of you. Them being afraid of you will not stop them from doing the wrong things, they will just get better at hiding it from you. You can protect them and give them the best advice when they are free to talk to you.
Don’t allow family members to be rude or belittle your children. Stand up for them, and let your children know that someone belittling them or being toxic to them is wrong, no matter the relationship.
The language you use to speak to your child is also important, being a parent means unlearning and learning lots of things, the way you talk around them and the way you act plays a role in their upbringing.
Be mindful of how you train your child, as they will eventually leave home, go into the world, meet different people and form their ideas and relationships, and some of these ideas sometimes conflict with yours. But if they are trained well they won’t forget that training in a hurry no matter who they meet.
Remember as much your child is learning from you, you should also learn from them. Learn to be vocal about your feelings around your child, if you hurt them, apologies to them; with words and actions, if they do something wrong let them be held accountable.
Raising a child is never easy, you get frustrated, angry and disappointed at them, but in the end, try your best in raising them right and hope to God they turn out okay.
