September 22, 2021
By Hafsatu Z Bangura
From a young age, girls are trained to be modest, caring, polite, and accommodating. This is not a formal training, but rather one that society subconsciously instills in the mind of a young girl.
We tend to see girls as vulnerable and fragile so, as parents and educators, we want to protect them from harm and judgment. We tenderly guide them towards activities they will excel at, and steer them away from ones that may cause them frustration.
We can see it in the toys that are available to kids. Toys have a very specific gender narrative. The toys that are aimed at developing large motor and STEM skills are considered boys toys, whereas toys that involve making crafts and social interaction are aimed at girls.
It can be argued that these teachings start as young as infancy. Baby girls are sweet and are dressed up in polished outfits matching head bands, always being told that they are pretty and criticized for being messy and loud. Baby boys are assumed to be tough little men and are expected to be strong emotionally as well as physically.
When girls get older, they start to tune in to what their mothers say and do. If they hear mom unintentionally compare herself to someone else or talk critically of other women they suddenly start to get caught up in this dynamic of comparison and redirect their radar inward to determine how they measure up. The same goes for other female role model as young girls looks up to, like a teacher or relative.
It’s like a code that has been programmed into us, over many years of perfect-girl training. While it’s nice to teach our girls to be polite and considerate, we need to also raise them up to be brave, strong women. If we are constantly shielding them from negative feedback, how will they build resilience to falling apart later in life, when they encounter setbacks and criticism?
Bravery is what picks us up off the ground and keeps us going through difficult times.
If our girls focus solely on bringing the best (or perfect), they are holding themselves back. They will be too afraid to speak up for themselves (to not cause conflict) and best themselves up when they make a mistake or fail at something. Striving for perfection cause unnecessary stress and anxiety and teaching girls to reach for something that is not even achievable.
Society has begun shifting towards more positive outlook for young girls. We are now telling our children, you can do and be anything! However, because of the subconscious micro-messages our girls are receiving daily, that phrase can be easily misunderstood as you have to do and be everything
How can we raise our girls to embrace bravery and let go of perfection?
Embody the power of yet- teach her to add the word yet to the end of negative statements she makes. For example if she claims, I am not good at maths, coach her to say I am not good at math yet. This mental shift can have a powerful impact, especially when it comes to making mistakes.
Be a role model for bravery- kids learn from what they see and even what they don’t see. Do things that scare you so that she can realize it is okay to take risks when you are afraid.
Curb the damsel in distress! Fixing things ourselves gives us a sense of power. Teach her to fix or build things herself (age appropriate of course) so she can realize she can do it.
Encourage others to be brave too! Invite her to lift other girls up and teach them to be brave, too.
Celebrate her mistakes and teach her to try again! She will fall and have setbacks; we all do. But these failures teach us what not to do next time. They make us stronger, wiser, more vulnerable and more real.
And in conclusion support her to try something she isn’t great at! Raising our girls without the expectation to be perfect starts small. It may seem overwhelming at first, but the good news is, it is never too late shifting this perfect girl mindset.
Brave is a positive word it’s something we aspire to be. Built into the world is the understanding that the person is scared and yet they are doing something anyway. Scared is here to stay, anxiety is part of our life, it’s not our job to vanquish these feelings, it’s our job to develop the resources we need to march forward anyway.